Funny
Senior Citizen Stories

funny senior citizen stories





We love funny senior citizen stories whenever they come into the office!

Oh my gosh, how we laugh sometimes. Practically howl! Thanks to all of you who keep sending them to us. Please keep the funny (and sometimes Very Touching and Beautiful) stories coming. We love getting them. And, our readers love reading them as we pass them on.




These Are Funny Senior Citizen Stories
We Can ALL Relate To

We senior citizens may not be as quick or as strong as we used to be. But, there is no question that we are some of the most AMAZING people on this green Earth! And, we do funny stuff. Right? Sometimes just because we are seniors! And, it's fun to share our stories with each other.

In this article we will share stories all of us seniors can relate to and have a good laugh with. Sometimes it's stuff that only us seniors have a real connection with. Funny stories that let us know, "Yeah, we're normal. We're still OK." And, we are funny!

Don't you agree?




Laughing
Boosts Our Well Being!

Did you know laughing at ourselves is one of the best things we can do for ourselves? And, research is proving this every day:


“The ability to laugh at your mistakes (and yourself) boosts your physical and psychological well being.”
reference: “Laughing at Yourself”


“Laughter strengthens your immune system, boosts mood, diminishes pain, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hope, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert. It also helps you release anger and forgive sooner.” reference: “The Benefits of Laughter”



So let's have some more laughs whenever we can!




We Hope These Stories
Make You Laugh, OUT LOUD!

Where do all of our funny senior citizen stories come from?

Simple....  We’re seniors now. We’ve seen a LOT of life. We've had a load of incredible experiences. Both good and bad. We have priceless good memories. We have battle scars. Aches and pains. The engine just doesn’t run quite the way it used to. And, neither does our thinking all the time. So what?

Right?

That's what makes some of our stories so funny!

And, some of the stuff we do and say now, as well as some of the situations we get into are just hilarious. Don't you agree?

In sharing these stories we mean absolutely NO DISRESPECT to any seniors or anyone else in any way. Heck, most of the staff here are seniors. (Including myself!) We just want to bring a little more light and happiness into everyone's day.

So, hopefully these funny senior citizen stories, anecdotes, and one liners are things you can relate to and hopefully some will make you laugh out loud!




The
Survey

Where do our stories come from?

We have a lot of great readers who send them to us.

We started including a question in many of our surveys that says: “What is your funniest senior citizen story, or, funny moment you can remember? It can be one that happened to you, or, just a funny story you heard.”

We received 558 replies back from this question so far. We tried to leave out the dirty ones (although some of those were hysterically funny). So, you can comfortably read these with your family members.

What we have in this article is our Top 59 favorite funny senior citizen stories so far.




Remember:
You’re Not The Only One Getting Older!

One more great thing about sharing funny senior citizen stories is that they not only make us laugh, these funny stories make us feel “normal”. And, not take everything so seriously.

We realize most everything is OK. Because it really is. We realize we're not the only one getting older. There are millions of us! Millions! And, we all share a LOT of the same funny situations and frailties now.

How many times have you thought that something you said, did, or were unable to do anymore was just your own personal curse? It's not. You're just like the rest of us.

Please take your time to enjoy as many of these funny senior citizen stories and mishaps as you can. There's lot of very funny stuff here. We’re all in this “getting old” boat together. And, it's a Beautiful boat if we view it from the right angle. So, let's have some fun sharing the ride! Don’t you agree?

I've blabbed enough now. So, let's get to the funny stories!





Our Top 59
Funny Senior Citizens Stories



funny senior citizen stories: WILL I LIVE TO BE 100?

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #1
WILL I LIVE TO BE 100?

Fred turned 80 and was feeling pretty good. He was wondering if he might live to be 100? He wanted to know how to plan accordingly. So, he went to get a full physical check up.

After two visits  and extensive lab tests, he was told, “You’re doing pretty well for a man your age.”

This “pretty well” didn’t sound so exciting. So, he asked, “Do you think I’ll live to be 100?”

The physician replied, “Do you smoke or drink wine, beer, or spirits?”

Fred answered: “No. And, neither do I do any drugs.”

“Do you eat thick rib eye steaks? Or, BBQ of any kind?”

“No. I was told red meat was not good for me.”

“Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the sun? At the beach? Playing golf, swimming. bicycling, hiking, etc…?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Do you gamble? Have a lot of sex? Drive fast cars?”

“No sir. None of those things.”

“Then, why do you want to live to be 100?”




funny senior citizen stories: A PERFECT MARRIAGE?

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #2

A PERFECT MARRIAGE?

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about it.

For all of these years the old man had never thought about the box. But, one day the little old woman got very sick and she knew she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was never to argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was moved to tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."




funny senior citizen stories: ELIZABETH

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #2

ELIZABETH

Elizabeth was an 85 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Edward. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Edwards’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her best friend to inquire as to just exactly where her heart would be.

“On a woman,” her friend told her, “our heart is just below our left breast.”

Later that night, Elizabeth was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee!




funny senior citizen stories: CHOCOLATE COVERED PEANUTS

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #4

CHOCOLATE COVERED PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'




funny senior citizen stories: ALBERT

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #5

ALBERT

An old man was grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was crying, and at times, screaming at the top of his lungs.

As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him speaking in a soft voice... 'We are almost done, Albert...try not to cry, Albert... Life will get better, Albert...'

As he approached the checkout stand, he carefully brushed the toddler's tears from his eyes and said again, 'Try not to cry, Albert... We will be home soon, Albert...'

As he was paying the cashier, the toddler continued to cry and scream. A young woman in line behind him said, 'Sir, I think it is wonderful how sweet you are being to your little Albert.'

The old gentleman blinked his eyes a couple of times before saying: 'My grandson's name is John......I'm Albert….




funny senior citizen stories: CONFESSION

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #6

CONFESSION

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"





funny senior citizen stories: WALMART

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #7

THE WALMART ONE DAY WONDER!

Can you believe I lasted less than a day as a retail store greeter?

A few hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman came into the store with her two children, yelling at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome. Nice children you have there; are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's nine, and the other one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone would make a baby with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

The HR department said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.





Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.





funny senior citizen stories: OH, FOR A PARKING SPOT!

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #8

OH, FOR A PARKING SPOT

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey.

"Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one.”




funny senior citizen stories: TOO OLD FOR TRICK OR TREAT

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #9

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT

10. You get winded from knocking on the door

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you

8. You ask for high fiber candy only

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask." and you're not even wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You keep having to go home to go to the bathroom.





Funny Senior Citizen Stories #10


THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget
The people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.






funny senior citizen stories: THE HEARING AID

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #11

THE HEARING AID

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”






funny senior citizen stories: THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #12

THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES


Do you remember watching the Original Hollywood Squares? Did you have a favorite comic? Ours was Paul Lynde! But, there was also Rose Marie, Charlie Weaver, Don Knotts, George Gobel, Vincent Price, Marty Allen.....

If you loved the show as much as we did, this little section may make you laugh so hard that it brings tears to your eyes!

These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough they will.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than threewords to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh





Funny Senior Citizen Stories #13

THE CONSPIRACY

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on-but the telephone! company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!






funny senior citizen stories: THE TURKEY HUNTERS

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #14

THE TURKEY HUNTERS

An 80 year old man went in for his yearly check-up. The examining practitioner was amazed at what good shape the old man was in. Curious, he asked the man, "To what do you attribute your great vitality?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The attendant then said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

"You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

"Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?

"You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old." The practitioner was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

In amazement the practitioner exclaimed: "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer replied, "Who said he wanted to?"






"Unfortunately,
aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.”







funny senior citizen stories: ROCKING CHAIRS

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #15

ROCKING CHAIRS

Two very elderly women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."










funny senior citizen stories: WHISKEY AND WATER

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #16

WHISKEY AND WATER

An elderly woman on a seniors cruise to Hawaii wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with just two drops of water.

The bartender gives her the drink.

"I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, she says, and it is today!" The bartender says, "Well, since it is your birthday, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."

"Barthen dear, I would then like another scotch with just... two... drops... of water."

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too."
"Bartneder, I would like OK another scot with just two drips of water."

The bartender says, as he gives her the drink, "Ma'am, I'm curious, why the scotch with only two drops of water?"
 
The elderly woman replies, "Sonny when you're my age,.. you can handle your scotch,.. but water,.. however small the amount,... is a whole other issue."




funny senior citizen stories: REMEMBER WHEN

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #17

REMEMBER WHEN

Remember when the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum? And the banquets were in the cafeteria and we danced to a juke box later, and all the girls wore fluffy pastel gowns and the boys wore suits for the first time and we were allowed to stay out till 12 p.m?

When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car? . . to cruise, peel out, lay rubber and watch drag races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger? And, no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked? And, you got in major big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a key?

Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a _____"? And, playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game? When baseball was not a psychological group learning experience? When it was just a game?

Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And...with all our progress...don't you just wish...just once...you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace.... and share it with the children of the 80's and 90's....?

Remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk?

Remember the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home? When we were in fear for our lives not because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc... But, because our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!?

We survived because their love was greater than the threat. It feels good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! And, was it really that long ago?




funny senior citizen stories: IT'S NOT THAT BAD

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #18

IT'S NOT THAT BAD

At a retirement home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,".... another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an elderly man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence..........
'Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive.”




funny senior citizen stories: CALLING MOM

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #19


CALLING MOM

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"

She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."

"Why are you so weak?"

"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"

"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."






Old age ain't no place for sissies.  ~ Bette Davis






funny senior citizen stories: MILDRED AND CLAIRE

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #20

MILDRED AND CLAIRE

Two elderly senior sisters, Mildred and Claire, were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

Claire, in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn Mildred just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again. And, again Mildred drove right though. This time Claire was almost positive that the light had been red, but, was now really concerned that she may be losing her own mind. She was was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. Claire turned to her sister and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?”




Funny Senior Citizen Stories #21

I WANT TO BACK BACK
to
THE TIME WHEN........


Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group (and STILL is as far as I am concerned!!)
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!






funny senior citizen stories: THE HAT

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #22

THE HAT

An elderly senior lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold on to this hat!"

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”






"The older the fiddle, The sweeter the tune."

~ Old Irish Proverb







funny senior citizen stories: LOST KEYS

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #23

LOST KEYS

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.

As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, can you come and get me?"

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"




funny senior citizen stories: MOPPING THE FLOOR

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #24

MOPPING THE FLOOR

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An elderly lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Well...have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet.”













our funny senior citizen stories #25:

Great Things About Getting Older


Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

No one expects you to run--anywhere.

Things you buy now won't wear out.


You think humor must be good for your body, exercise and diets haven't worked well.


People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.


You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.



You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


You sing along with elevator music.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

You don't need the shingles with the 30 year guarantee.

You know more about prescription drugs than your pharmacist.


Someone else will have the unpleasant task of burying your pets.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

You can't remember who sent you this list.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't as important as it used to be.

Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man.

No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze.

You may never have to vacuum under the bed again.

Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically defensible.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

You don't have to bother planting perennials.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.








Remember:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.







funny senior citizen stories: 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #26

50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 already. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."




funny senior citizen stories: THE OLD DOCTOR

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #27

GEEZER VS YOUNG

A retired doctor became very bored in retirement and decided to open hos own clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

A young practicioner, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans, thought this would be a great opportunity to get some easy $$$. So, he went to Geezer's clinic.

Young: "Hello Sir", he said. "I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Geezer: "Certainly. JoAnn, please bring bottle 22 from the cabinet and put 3 drops in this young man's mouth."

Young: "Aaagh! -- This is gasoline!"

Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Young leaves highly annoyed. He goes back after a couple of days figuring he could recover his money.

Young: "Can you help me today, please? I have lost my memory; I cannot remember anything."

Geezer: "JoAnn, please bring bottle 22 from the cabinet and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't ... that is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Young (after having lost $1000 now) leaves angrily. But, decides back after several more days.

Young: "Hello Sir. My eyesight has become weak; I can hardly see anything!"

Geezer: "Well, I don't have any drops for that so, here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Young: "But this is only $10!"

Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."




funny senior citizen stories: OUT SHOPPING

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #28

OUT SHOPPING

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!




funny senior citizen stories: LIVING TO 100?

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #29

LIVING TO 100?

When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel and went to her GP to get all her charts and so on. He asked her how she was doing and she listed her complaints: "This hurts, that's stiff, I'm getting more and more tired and slower..."
"You have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all who wants to live to be 100?"
"Someone who's in their eighties," she replied.







our funny senior citizen stories #30:

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE


There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.


Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.


Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.


Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.





funny senior citizen stories: ROUTE 142

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #31

ROUTE 142

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over.

Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 elderly ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The lady driving, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the elderly woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time."

"Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."





funny senior citizen stories: WHEN GOD LOOKED DOWN

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #32

WHEN GOD LOOKED DOWN

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

So, if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it's Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.




funny senior citizen stories: THE JUDGE

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #33

THE JUDGE

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.




funny senior citizen stories: THE FLY

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #34

THE FLY

I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century,” she said. “I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.”
I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.






funny senior citizen stories: SHARING EVERYTHING

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #35

SHARING EVERYTHING

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a local hamburger stand.


The elderly man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. When he brought the food back to the table, he carefully unwrapped the plain hamburger and gently cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two even piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, “That poor old couple—all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”


As the man began to eat his fries a young man, who had been observing them, came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the elderly couple. The old man said, they were just fine—they were used to sharing everything.


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink....


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

Concerned, the young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat anything, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.”




funny senior citizen stories: THE TALKING FROG

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #36

THE TALKING FROG
 
There was this 82 year old man who loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."




funny senior citizen stories: WHAT'S FOR SUPPER?

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #37

WHAT'S FOR SUPPER?

An elderly fellow named Carl decided his wife, Clara, was getting hard of hearing. So, he called the local hearing store to make an appointment to get her hearing checked.

The receptionist said they didn’t have an opening for 2 weeks. BUT, there was a simple informal test the husband could do at home that would give some idea of the situation and how bad the problem might be.

He said, “Here’s what I want you to do: When you’re about 20 feet away from her, talk to her in a normal conversational tone, and, see if she hears you. If not, get 15 feet away, then 10 feet, then 5 feet and closer still until she responds.”

So that evening while Clara is cooking dinner, Carl is in the living room and decides to give the hearing test a try. “Honey, what’s for supper tonight?”

No response.

He gets closer to the kitchen , “Honey, what’s for supper tonight?”

No response.

He the go to the kitchen door and repeats, “Honey , what’s for dinner tonight?”

No response.

So he steps into the kitchen and repeats the question.

Still, no response.

Finally, he walks up behind her and asks again, “Honey what’s for dinner tonight?”

“For the 5th time, CHICKEN!”




funny senior citizen stories: THE NURSING HOME

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #38

THE RETIREMENT HOME

One day a famous old actor, that the whole world knew, decided to go to a nearby retirement home and cheer up the residents.

When he arrived everyone greeted him profusely because everyone had seen him on TV or in the Movies. There was a great deal of excitement as each of the residents waited for the actor to come chat with them for a moment.


There was, however, one lone fellow sitting off to the side who didn’t seem excited to see him. He didn’t even pay attention to the actor at all. This made actor a bit curious because he was very famous and well liked. Surely the lone fellow must have seen him in the theater or on TV sometime during the last 40 years. So, the actor decided to go over and say “hello”.

After he greeted the gentleman, the actor smiled kindly and asked, “Do you know who I am?”

The quiet fellow looked at him for a moment and said, “No. But, you can go to the front desk and they will tell you.”




funny senior citizen stories: DINNER OUT

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #39

DINNER OUT

An elderly couple went to have dinner at the house of their friends.

After dinner, the ladies went to the kitchen to do the dishes and the men sat chatting and drinking coffee. During their conversation, the elderly man said, “Last night we had dinner in the new restaurant on Main Street. It was delicious. I would recommend it very highly.”

“Thank you!” said  the other man. “What the name of it?”

The old man sat and tried to remember the name, but, just couldn’t seem to get it. “I’m sorry. The name is on the tip of my tongue. I almost got it. What’s the name of the flower you give to someone you love. Usually red. The set has thorns…”

“Oh! A rose?”

“Yes. Yes. thank you.”  With that he turns toward the kitchen and yells. “Rose, what’s the name of the restaurant we went to last night?”




funny senior citizen stories: DRIVING LATE AT NIGHT

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #40

DRIVING LATE AT NIGHT

An elderly man was out driving late one night. It was 2am. He was driving rather erratically when spotted by a policeman. The policeman followed him for a bit, then put on his siren and pulled him over.

The cop got out and walked up to the elderly driver’s window. “Everything OK?” he asked the man.

“Yes, officer.”

“Where are you headed this late at night?”

“I’m on my way to a lecture about the effects of alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”

“I see. Who is giving that lecture this late at night?”

“That would be my wife…”




funny senior citizen stories: LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #41

Listen Carefully

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to get a physical. A few days later the examiner saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the examiner was just too curious.

 He phoned Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The examiner said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”





#42 -  Here’s a VERY FUNNY VIDEO by Ray Jessel that’s guaranteed to make you laugh!







funny senior citizen stories: THE LAWYER

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #43

THE LAWYER

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his best friend, pastor, and lawyer to gather around him at bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within." 

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.

On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."

The best friend then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new business I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."



The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"




funny senior citizen stories: OLD FRIENDS

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #44

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.



One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

 Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"




funny senior citizen stories: THE 3 SISTERS

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #45

THE 3 SISTERS

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"



The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" 


The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”




funny senior citizen stories: THE ROMANCE

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #46

THE ROMANCE

An elderly couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
 
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
 
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
 
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
 
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.


Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."


Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
 
"Where are you going?" she asked.


"To get my teeth!"




funny senior citizen stories: FRECKLES

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #47


This is one of our very favorite funny senior citizen stories that is not only funny, it simply warms our hearts:


FRECKLES

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"

You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.
 
Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"



The boy looked up, "Really?"
 
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that is prettier than freckles.

"

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."




funny senior citizen stories: MARRIED 4 TIMES

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #48

MARRIED 4 TIMES

The local news station was interviewing an 84 year old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.



The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.



"He's a funeral director," she answered.



"Interesting," the newsman thought.



He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.



She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she explained that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.



The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.



"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"




funny senior citizen stories: SO I HEAR YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #49

SO I HEAR YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?


"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive after dark!”




funny senior citizen stories: HOW TO GET THE POLICE, WHEN YOU NEED THEM

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #50

HOW TO GET THE POLICE RIGHT AWAY
WHEN YOU NEED THEM

An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." The old guy said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to old man, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

The wise old man said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"




funny senior citizen stories: COMING HOME FOR THANKSGIVING

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #51

COMING HOME FOR THANKSGIVING


An elderly man in Denver calls his son in Los Angeles and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls home and screams at her dad, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Christmas?





#52
some funny senior citizen stories in one sentence each


How Do We Know

When We Are Old?

You might be old if:


Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like you really hung one on the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You join a gym and don't go.

You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

Your back goes out more than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.

You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".

You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."

You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.

You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.

The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.






funny senior citizen stories: NEW MOTHER AT 75

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #53

NEW MOTHER AT 75

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, did you hear about the 75 year old woman was able to give birth?

When she went home with the baby, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother.

"I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?!?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!"




funny senior citizen stories: EASY AS 1, 2, 3, FOR

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #54

EASY AS 1, 2, 3 FOR

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his MD, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. He gets referred to an American Indian Tribesman.

The Tribesman says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is a very powerful ritual. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do now is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The Tribesman man replies:"All you or your partner have to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her, says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the Indian Tribesman man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.




funny senior citizen stories: WHAT A WEEKEND!

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #55

WHAT A WEEKEND!

An elderly, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated: "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the agitated jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend!"




funny senior citizen stories: MY SON THE VET

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #56

MY SON THE VET

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno”




funny senior citizen stories: JAKE AND BESSIE

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #57

JAKE AND BESSIE

Jake and Bessie found each other in their later years. He was 92, she 89. They decided to get married and they were so excited. One day the engaged couple went to a local pharmacy.

Jake ran into the owner and said, "Pardon me, sir, are you the owner of this establishment?"

"Yes I am," said the man.

"Well, I was wondering if you sell heart medication here?"

"Yes sir, we do."

"And how about medication for arthritis and jaundice?"

"Yes, we sell those too."

"And do you also sell Geritol, Dentucream, and reading glasses?"

"Yes sir, we sell all that stuff."

"And how about wheelchairs, canes, and walkers, do you sell those too?"

"Yes sir, we sell all those things and more."

Jake said, "Good because I am going to marry this lovely lady here and we would like to register to get our wedding gifts here."




funny senior citizen stories: THE ENGAGEMENT

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #58

THE ENGAGEMENT

Attending their 60th High School Reunion, John was a widower and Sally a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, John and Sally made foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. John throwing admiring glances across the table to Sally. The widow smiling coyly back at him....

Finally, John picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, Sally answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!" The evening ended on a happy note for both of them!


The next morning John was troubled. Did Sally say yes or did she say no? He couldn't remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called Sally. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say no.

"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart." John was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"




funny senior citizen stories: STILL ON THE ROAD

Funny Senior Citizen Stories #59

STILL ON THE ROAD

A group of senior citizens was exchanging notes about their ailments:

"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad, said Irene. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"





funny senior citizen stories

CONCLUSION


We hope you had at least a few good laughs reading these Funny Senior Citizen Stories supplied by our readers.

If you have some other Funny Senior Citizen Stories or anecdotes that you think us seniors would enjoy, please send them to us here: Contact Us. Hopefully we can add them soon!


One final thought before we go:




"We don't stop laughing because we grow old.

We grow old because we stop laughing"





funny senior citizen stories: Never Stop Laughing




May Your Every Day Be Filled With Joy!
  ~ William, Fiona, and Cha
rlotte






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